Most of the Early Decision and Early Action decisions are in. The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a few others are the slowpokes of the gang and won’t release their notifications until the end of January.
Hopefully most students have heard from at least a few colleges, and for many of them that means there likely has been a mixed bag of acceptances, rejections and deferrals.
If your child was deferred, there are some concrete steps to take.
First, follow the specific directions in the letter. If this is a school that your child is very interested in and is certain they would attend if accepted, don’t be shy about sharing that information with the admissions office. I suggest sending a personal (hard copy, not email) letter to your admissions contact.
Additionally, make sure your child forwards any updates on academic performance (first semester grades and test scores) and extracurricular activities. If they have won any awards (debate, Eagle Scout) or their team (Model U.N., soccer, drama, etc.) went on to regional, state and/or national competitions, tell the college.
What if they’re rejected?
Allow yourself and your child to express hurt and disappointment and then move on. Take a closer look at the other colleges on the list. You’ll need to review and revise the list if this deferral or rejection came from a school that you believed was a solid safety school. Check the deadlines on any new schools you add to the list.
Examine more closely the colleges where they’ve already been accepted and explore some other potential safety schools to determine which ones represent the best fit academically and socially and the most realistic fit for your family financially.
Review the essays that already have been submitted. Students can make up to three revisions on the Common Application essay. Allow someone else, perhaps a teacher, to review the essays and consider any critical feedback.
So how do you as a parent handle the sadness of the rejection? I won’t bore you with “this is one of life’s tough lessons,” although of course there is a valuable message buried deep in the platitude. But the bigger message here is your reaction. Your children will often model their behavior after yours, so if you react as if this is a crime against humanity and is totally unfair, they are just going to feel terrible about themselves.
Losses like these shouldn’t be sloughed off casually, but don’t overindulge the disappointment. This becomes especially true when parents may want the acceptance more than their children do or find themselves overly engaged in the process. I hear stories of parents who are unable to sleep, checking college websites in the wee hours of the morning to see if decisions have been released or scoping out how other seniors have fared.
STOP! This kind of obsession is only going to make it worse.
Your responsibility as a parent is to make sure your child has options next spring and to acknowledge that this disappointment will not scar them for life.
Lee Bierer is an independent college adviser based in Charlotte, N.C. Visit her website at www.CollegeAdmissions Strategies.com.
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